The blinding light of the internet, a scintillating, Luciferian explosion of information on to the human retina, must have been shed from somewhere.
I was born in 1980, at a time when nuclear annihilation, the realistic apocalypse was already a 'yellow note' disturbing the foundation of our society. When you have a compelling concept of your end point, sorting out your life becomes straightforward. Nuclear weapons became a monster so horrible it even crowded out conventional war, which has killed far, far more people (and continues). Nuclear weapons are aesthetically and morally so horrible that they need not be used, they needed only to be demonstrated and the culture would do the rest. Anti-nuke and pro-deterrence people are one and the same. They fuel the monster that stands apart from either of them. It doesn't give a shit about them. It was created to fuel fear and angst. How that fear and angst is organized is immaterial.
When your world is built on a foundation shot through with fear and angst, that the world could be snapped up and taken away and replaced with hell at any moment, your life becomes straightforward. Find someone to love, find a place to live and burn yourself out as best you can. Live every day as if it were your last (whatever that means). It's an awesome way to become a consumer and a waste.
I believe in greater things than that we're all screwed. I believe that order and self-denial have a place in a virtuous human life. I believe that my life amounts to more than a fleeting opportunity to satisfy my senses, get me some before the lights go out. And so I might never achieve my theoretical 'goal'. My whole structure might not get completed, for this or that reason...
But I am stepping back from this blinding light, going back underground. We have been allowed and provided with so much information and misinformation that it literally stimulates us to generate and propagate disinformation.
I am choosing to rely on my judgement, and what I've held onto of my birth culture. With all the experiences I've had, with all the friends I've made, my values still have not changed.
I know that I am loved in my community. I am regarded as a good person, I've even heard the A-N-G-E-L-word. It's because I refuse to accept an endpoint. I'm not a rock-star with a dying fall. I aspire to more than that. I'm not a family man, committing my energy to my offspring. I'm certainly no artist, making objects to sell. I'm not a shaman because this bloated, baggy culture: culture-as-a-whole, has forgotten what shamans are and why it needs them so badly.
I am the cat who walks by
himself. You can find me if you want.