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Monday, April 26, 2010

the storm

The more I see, the less I know
The more I like to let it go
Hey-o
Whoa...
-- Anthony

On days like today I can feel the doors to Crisisworld opening and closing.
In the beginning was the Storm. Was the mass of unbegun emotions, emotional precursors to personality, unqualifiable mass of emotional matter in my mind. It is only through the laying down of long strips of language, or action (which resembles language) that the storm assumes any kind of real existence for any of us. But just because it's not real doesn't make it powerless.
This is for anyone who has the impression I am stable. I am not. Luckily I am a hell of a lot safer than in previous years. I have a support network of family and peers (actual peers!), as well as what might fairly be called animal and art therapy activities. And on these days when I cannot make myself feel better than 5/10, yet the world is filled with awareness and energy to which I am peculiarly attuned, a part of me feels at peace; and I feel a smidgen of pride at the positive results of all of the shamanistic and behavioural training I have inflicted upon myself.
Here are a few things about me:
1. I take everything personally. If I seem like I'm not, it's because I feel exhibiting that part of the storm would be inappropriate or unfair. I understand how this tradeoff works so other people in the universe can put up with me. But this is a thing I struggle with.
2. I judge everyone, all the time. If I seem like a fair person, it's because my aggressiveness has been tempered by having life kick the crap out of me enough times that I've seen the other side of being judged and know that it's almost never fair. I've also unjudged people after the fact who then went and burnt me. So this is a thing I struggle with.
3. If I seem content, I'm not. I am content insofar as I can maintain my mostly enjoyable and positive lifestyle, indefinitely. But after all these years I am still yearning and waiting for the synergistic return from the universe, after all the loving work I put in, so that I might feel like I can grow past this point in my life. I need someone, a few people, a handful of people to go to bat for me. That's the price that you-all have to pay for having me around.
If you'd like to do something really easy to help cheer me up, take a minute to visit my fine art website at purity control.
I made the mistake of installing a hit counter and now I'm fussing over it.
Thank you
That is all
With love from
Chris

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