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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

books and fear

I am terrified of hurting people, and particularly of losing people.

I know a great deal of this fear is disproportionate and sometimes even completely fabricated, thrown up by my own anxious mind - which has seen a great many people leave me or otherwise become lost to me; and has witnessed my actions which resulted in people I love getting hurt. My mind has had the time and power to analyze these situations minutely, and build up structures of anxiety around the possibility of them ever reoccurring; as well as a generalized cloud of improvised and hallucinated/imaginative bullshit...

It is when I feel completely helpless and overwhelmed by this sort of fear that I read my first aid books - particularly '1984' and Cormac McCarthy's 'The Road' - stories where the main characters are all pretty much completely fucked (with which in these moments I identify passionately) - stories which nonetheless possess an intense and loving beauty that can start to pull me back into a positive light...

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