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Thursday, January 27, 2011

I feel a need to write about this.

Holy crap am I bitter about my lack of sexual experience.

People keep telling me I'm handsome, pretty, sexy, but this makes little to no impression on me. Because I don't really know what to do with it.


Life at the time when most people have their first boy/girlfriend flew past me without regard. And who can I really blame? I had a lot of coverage with psoriasis, including my forehead, which used to be hellishly bad, flaking and oozing. Who can I really blame? I looked revolting!!!

At 20, I lost my virginity to a girl who at the time, had the vision and compassion to see past my disgusting condition. (This was before doctors were willing to administer UV to youths, I gather; and long before the advent of narrow-band UV, the only treatment which has really been effective for me. I am now fucking flabbergasted amazed, to have almost a normal body...)

There followed a couple of blissful months of fucking, the which situation was swiftly attacked by living arrangement and family stress, weight management and hormonal issues (on her part): dwindling, dwindling frequency of intercourse.

I sexually didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground, and as a direct result, I still kinda don't. I may as well have married that girl on the first date. Because sex with a whole other person was so indescribably huge an event for me, I latched onto her, being the sole source of sex.

Which turned out to suck. Unhappily, in seven years of relationship and marriage, we would go months and months without sex. She was going through her own issues and even withdrew from physical affection. I cannot underestimate the effect this has had on me. To this day even the contact of a fraternal kind of hug can turn my world upside-down. (Needless to say, the marriage is history.)

Not to say that I regret not doing things I regret, but a part of me is curious and jealous to know what the hell all I missed.

How does someone like me test the waters?

I barely know what I want.

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