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Sunday, February 20, 2011


"Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect
To me..."
-- P!NK

Pop radio is evil. When I feel like shit, someone in my face telling me the complete opposite has the singular effect of making me internalize my grief and hatred, for the sake of their feelings. And anyway, who are 'you' to tell me this? And where are you?? Where will you be when I get weird and magnetic and angry and sad and stormy like this? Either far away, or justifiably running.

-- Henry Rollins

Please, if you've been reading this blog, or any of my work ever, do yourself a favour, and don't assume you know me and how I really am. I mean, do try to go beyond even the usual homilies about image and voice...

I have a lot of power. People are scared of my power (if they notice it, since I keep 85-100% of it under wraps nearly all the time). If you're not at least a little scared of me, you don't know me. Sorry! And if you're a friend, well, then you are acquainted with the costs and I am indebted to you.

As I've woken up, I've spent my life opening my mouth and fighting at every turn when I could "Shut up. And be happy." (Ice Cube).

The universe does not pay you back in deferred happiness for such a commitment to integrity. Rather it leaves you on a breathtaking height of 'being right': of "the aesthetic purity of absolute moral indifference..." (Tim O'Brien).

... of 'seeing', shoulder to shoulder with a tiny handful of other brave heretic souls, each with their own demons to watch out for...

This voice, these memories and visions come out of me and into keyboard, from the unfiltered me, the me in totality that's never static. I am happy, I am sad, I am Chris. I am the cat who walks by himself (Archy & Mehitabel). "I want a lover / who suffers indignities." (John Newlove). I go home alone at the end of the night.

How and who I truly am and what I truly want is mysterious even to me, even after all I've been through and everything I've learned about myself and about life...


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