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Monday, March 7, 2011

I swear, I'm not trying to use my blog as a dating service, I'm just thinking out loud.

I keep trying to meet someone. Or more accurately perhaps, failing to try to meet someone.

I just am not a fan of activities 'necessarily involving spending money.' Bar? Club? Great place to wind up leaving alone, if you're me. Yelling does not lend itself to profound cultural comment.

And for that matter, it would seem that profound cultural comment does not lend itself to not intimidating the crap out of women. Maybe I'm wrong?

What the heck do I want? I've had two lovers. Based on this heinously limited experience, I would hazard a guess I want someone decently fit, like me (I like hiking and stuff) who likes hugs and cuddling and has an open mind to music. I want someone who doesn't clam up if I mention something complicated or unfamiliar, but who will either roll with it or provoke a satisfying explanation.

I want someone aggressive enough to go for me, who isn't so aggressive as to get frustrated when I want to be left the fuck alone for a little while (mainly to work on art).

I want someone who can stand my crude side as well as my intellectual side. (There will be the odd disturbing artifact like a half-finished can of SPAM with a fork in it under saran wrap in the fridge. I am also not god's gift to housecleaners.)

I want someone who can move with the moment. But who also has a nasty habit of not bailing on me.

Now, I know one woman probably can't satisfy my every need. People simply don't work that way. (By the way, anyone noticing the recurrence of the word woman should know that while I am found to be cute by some males, I do not go for the c**k. That's not to say I wouldn't cuddle with a guy I love if the situation occurred.) My ('my') lady would need to realize that I'll probably want to expand my experience as I grow and learn. If I don't turn up a true Ethical Slut, I would at least want someone with an open sort of mind that can handle discussions and hypotheticals some people might find threatening... but let's not run before we can walk.

And I would want them to probably be a bit younger than me. (I am 30.) And lastly, I would need them to understand that yes, I do have some psoriasis still.

Where in the f**k do you meet someone like that? I'll be the pretty but slightly very deranged boy in the catears.

4 comments:

  1. Oi, I hear yeah! Meeting people is hard, sometimes. Well at least for some of us. Others seem to fall into one relationship after another. Life can be frustrating and lonely at times.

    Frankly I even find it hard to connect with people just as friends these days. I have become pretty shut off and built quite a wall around my heart in the past year or so. I feel so wounded by the fall out I had with a couple of friends that I am having a hard time even thinking of letting anyone touch my heart again. Oh well I am still healing, I am sure I will get there.

    I hope you find someone you connect with who really gets you and fully accepts you for who your are. You deserve no less.-L

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  2. Thank you!!!

    I too feel like I have had trouble even making friends. I think sometimes I intimidate people without meaning to, or overlook people's signals...

    But mainly I find it hard to make the emotional investment in an unknown person, that is necessary to retell all of your old, defining stories in front of them so they will know who the fuck you are...

    Or I focus too much on trying to forge a lifelong friendship right off the bat! xP

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  3. It is difficult, certainly. High standards are good, yet they can become a block. After all, perfection does not exist and beauty is highly individual. Keep looking and take some chances on people. You have everything to gain and not much to lose if you go forward with your eyes open. Consider not only what you want in a partner, but what you can offer that partner.

    In answer to your question regarding the effect of profound cultural comment on women: yes, some find it intimidating. But many do not. You just need to keep looking and seek out those in the latter group. And as you have surmised, there is very little chance you will find them at the bar on a Friday night.

    For what it is worth, I have found many intriguing people at grad school. Perhaps the university could provide an avenue for exploration? Free lectures and the like?

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  4. Thankqu for your kind and insightful words :)
    I think part of my problem is that I have had crappy self-image - I find it hard to imagine what about me would be attractive / what I could offer...
    "O would some power the giftie gie us / To see ourselves as others see us." Robbie Burns

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