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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I am sitting here at the library across the street from an upcoming job interview. I am hoping to get work picking up and delivering packages, an active and responsible job involving a lot of outdoors-time and thinking-on-feet: the kinds of things that keep my brain active and relatively content...

I have spent the whole morning trying to generate the self-confidence and positive mindset I need for this meeting.

My friend wonders why I have no self-confidence.

"It's YOU," she says.

Point of fact, it is ME. In my heart of hearts I feel like I should be on my second world tour right now. I should be doing great things for our culture and this magnificent country. I should be leading us back to being a cultural leader. I know I can do this. This is my strongest conviction. This is where my interest, my energy, my skill and my confidence sit...

For everything else I have to prop myself up. I guess right now that's life. Wish me luck.

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I have NEVER had an interview in which I was more honest and constructive, relaxed and felt that the other person was being fair and amicable.

That said, I feel a crushing sense of panic right now. It seems like a lot of stress and responsibility, for less money than I was making in my previous job, stated for a long-term commitment, and seeming to lead further and further away from what I want to be doing. There's no writing, no production.

I am on the cusp of refusing this job if I am offered it. Is this just my perception spooking out on me? I would really feel terrible about like, having led them on, but I am desperate - in this 'economy' and in my position. My savings are gone and I am living off my parents again. Panic, please stop. I need to be able to be rational, and above all, available for as soon as TOMORROW.

Fuck me. but this stupid world dicks me around sometimes.

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fucking stupid fuck fucker fuck!!!! I have to turn this job down.

obviously, I am very angry and upset. turning down work seems insane right now. But $13/h plus being expected to pay for maintenance and repairs on the company vehicle I'd be using is pretty obviously, not going to cut it.

SIGH. that makes this rather easy. except for the possibility of one awkward-ass conversation.

Hate, hate, hate. I hate that the vagaries of basic survival cause me to feel this doom and despair. If I didn't hate neo-primitivism so much I'd want to make a bow and some arrows, and go live off wild beaver.

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